"Carry each other's burdens..." Galatians 6:2
Where to begin?? I have been non-existant while I spent time grieving, sobbing, reading my Bible, and seeing what the Lord had to say to my heart. Probably almost every range of emotion was felt: sadness, anger, frustration, discouragement, fear, etc. No matter what - it is never, ever, ever easy when it is your child with a tumor in any part of their body - period.
And of course, being Autumn's parents we are privvy to things that no one else would know, nor should they know. A Place Called Simplicity welcomes all into our lives, but there will always be things that remain "just for us".
Anyway, I needed to remind the Lord of some things. It sorta went like this:
"Okay Lord, this is what the last few months have been from my perspective:
I went to Africa to bring home Elijah and Elizabeth.
Dw had to come to travel to Africa to sign some papers.
Christmas happened the week after I came home with our babies.
Our home was destroyed by fire.
The day after the fire Graham had to have emergency surgery to remove his appendix.
24 hours later our beloved black lab Lucy died as a result of surgery.
Not one thing familiar to us was left to remind us of anything - not even my Bible!
The following week our oldest son left for his second depl*yment with the Special F*rces Unit.
We lived in a hotel for 5 weeks while searching for a rental.
We celebrated Elijah, Isaiah and Graham's birthdays during those 5 weeks in the hotel.
I couldn't sleep - at all. I walked around in a fog - clearly dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Emma, Graham, Liberty and Isaiah all have signs of it too- some worse than others.
We started the inventory process and threw 3 HUGE dumpsters full of 30 years of memories away.
Three of
our church staff had just given their notice (all good reasons to be going, but none the less, 3 positions that needed to be filled).
Moved into the rental but had to start to refill it with even basic essentials- ugh.
Dealing with the insurance adjustor and working on all the things that accompany a major fire.
The bonding process with Elijah and Elizabeth was interrupted with all the fire hoopla and one of them has been much slower with the bonding/attachment.
One of the 6 youngest had to go to a specialist and found that the specialist wanted to know if this child has other symptoms - because it might be linked to a "syndrome". HUH?
We began the casting process for our little Isaiah who has Arthrogryposis. (This involves 912 mile round trip each week.)
We found Autumn has a tumor.
And then we had the normal stuff that many have:
My car got hit and sustained some good damage.
Homeschooling.
Toddlers.
Ballet lessons and worship team practices.
Sending our dossier paperwork so it could finally (!) go to Ch*na for Jubilee.
Our son-in-love lost his job.
Continuing my Police Academy Course that is required because I am a chaplain.
Pastoring a good size church.
Two productions for our kids: one thru the private school that they take drama classes at and
the other was the Passion that our church just did - lots of practices!
Two toddlers who are adjusting to life in a family.
Sickness passed around our family.
Toddlers. =)
Then Strep passed around our family.
Then Strep passed around our family AGAIN!
Two separate emails from our depl*yed son that said we needed to PRAY right then!
Toddlers. =)
One of my dearest friend's husband served her with papers and is being so yukky to her, my heart is grieving so much for her.
Dw's continued healing from his very extensive shoulder surgery.
Oh yeah, and toddlers.
Kind of funny that I felt like I needed to remind Him? Like He had forgotten!?!
BUT Then I needed to hear from Him. I asked Him two things: Now YOU remind me (again!) what it means to have "the joy of the Lord be my strength" AND that "Your grace is sufficient for me."
See, more than anything I want to get this right. I want to please Him with every area of my life. Actually I remember clearly when the house was on fire and the first sheriff had not yet even arrived, I was jumping (from anxiety no doubt and the single digit temperatures) around the driveway in my bathrobe and nightgown praying outloud saying, "Okay, Lord, I want to get this right. I want to only please you. I want to know how to deal with this. What do you want me to learn from this? How do you want me to respond to honor you? I want to only ever please you. I want to get this right."
Of course, it's a good thing He is God because I was bouncing and saying that outloud, so fast, over and over from the anxiousness of the moment that a normal person would have wondered what in the world I was saying - the stress of it all had me ramped up - to be sure!!
But my heart's cry throughout this life is to only, ever, 100% of the time, to please my Savior.
(Not to worry - I fall short plenty and definitely do not get it right all the time.)
But how could I really desire to do less?
HE IS the only, 100% of the time, faithful friend I have ever had.
He has been my Faithful Friend for 46 years. He has faithfully been: my comfort, my refuge, my deliverer, my promise giver, my promise keeper, my strength, my healer, my miracle giver, my sweet Savior, my protector, my need-meeter and my "talking friend" (He'll talk to me at any hour and I have never had a friend who will do that night after night!)
He is what I call MY Miracle-working, Mountain-moving, Awe-inspiring, Gasp-giving God. He ALONE is worthy of praise! NO. MATTER. WHAT!!!
I needed to take some time to grieve and try to begin to process this latest turn of events in our lives and to ask Him to remind me - pleeeease???
This is what He spoke to my heart:
"My joy is your strength, because you KNOW me. I have never left you. I am working behind the scenes on Autumn's behalf and all your behalf. I will show you some of the things that I am up to when the time comes. Trust me. I am going to use this for such good - you have no idea -and you could never figure it all out - because that's MY job! Although you are discouraged and distraught - have I EVER let you down? Have I? Have I ever left you? I am not about to! Remember all the times I have shown up BIG??!?!!! Remember Linny? (He then reminded me of things in Our Memorial Box and I cannot emphasize enough the importance of a Memorial Box dear friends.) And my grace is sufficient because all that I pour out on you and give is more than enough to carry you through.
I was comforted and encouraged and finally (!) the tears stopped.
It was so very evident that you, my bloggy friends were praying for me/us. Your prayers are deeply appreciated and clearly felt. If I could have each and everyone of you over for coffee I would. I would hug your neck and thank you personally. I would thank all of you who posted comments and dozens of you who wrote separate emails. Thank you for sharing our burden. Thank you for asking your friends and prayer groups to pray for us too.
By doing this, you really put yourself in our shoes and you really are carrying our burden. I like the phrase "walk a mile in my moccasins". When you walk a mile in our moccasins you are bearing our burdens and imagining what it would feel like for us. This is HUGE in being Christ's hands and feet. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We are forever grateful for you, your prayers and your love.
Here's what we know so far about Autumn:
Almost all of these types of tumors are benign.
There are basically three types of tumors in the pituitary in the brain so we have to find out which type it is. There are usually three types of treatments: drugs, surgery or radiation.
I leave at 5:00 AM Monday to take Isaiah back to Greeley to be recast. The plan is to return by Tuesday night (Lord, please no more snowstorms!) Dw leaves Tuesday night to take Autumn to Albuquerque (4 hours one way) to see an endocrinologist who comes very highly recommended. Her appointment is scheduled for Wednesday. If she needs to see a neurosurgeon, there is one there that is also highly respected.
Thank you so much sweet friends! Our hearts are sobered and yet very thankful as we walk through this part of this season. We appreciate your prayers so much....With love from my heart and our home....xo